I've been spending a lot of time this year thinking things over. Thinking about what's gone before, what is ahead and also what lies beneath my surface.
I've had a life that for a time was complicated and at times frightening and out of control, when I was younger and had little choice but to accept what was happening around me and to me.
Times when I was dizzy with trying to keep on top of things.
What those times did was to make me focused - on a different life, a strong family, a steady job that meant I would always have my own money, always have control.
I began taking care of my younger brother and myself when I was 13 - cooking dinner, washing clothes, making sure we were okay. Adults were there but not reliable.
I now find myself thinking about what I want with the rest of my life, wondering about moving away from the full time work and the responsibilities I've carried for myself and others.
I've been a mother half my life, caring for others. A privilege but also a responsibility. Not a burden, but surely a weight.
What for me now? I dream of a life near the beach, walking along it every day and hearing waves crash and lulling me to sleep. I want to go back to France, and to Italy where I've never been and drink wine in the sun. I want to write my stories, not just words to enhance the company I work for. protecting and building "the brand".
I want to drink deep from life, not eke out the days.
I want to understand who I really am and find out the hidden parts of my story.